


if loving you is a sin, then so be it, i am a sinner

by theseusrambles



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Eren Yeager spelled Jaeger bc fuck you, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Rooftop Conversations, fantasizing about a future, i wrote this bc canon hurt me, literally just 2k words of hatemailing Beaver Utah, the inherit romantic undertones of watching a sunrise together, they just want to go to the beach together one day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27187406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theseusrambles/pseuds/theseusrambles
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING FOR HOMOPHOBIC SLUR USEAGE!! this is because of internalized homophobia also growing up in a small mormon town.im so sorry canon makes me so sad over them, i had to write a universe where everything was okay. yes im writing a snk piece in 2020, dont judge me.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Annie Leonhart, Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	if loving you is a sin, then so be it, i am a sinner

**Author's Note:**

> ugh me when i write for the first time since july!! anyhow here is this idea. i just was absolutely broken by their dream about the beach and how eren wasnt even like,,,,, there mentally when they finally saw it so here is your alternate universe where everything is okay. sorry they dont actually go to the beach.

They were seven when they came up with the idea.

Armin had a children’s book about the sea. He had become obsessed with it, constantly showing Eren the pictures and talking about it. His brunet companion, instead of being annoyed at this, found himself content whilst listening to him ramble.

After a particularly bad day for Armin (he had been cornered by bullies, and neither Eren or Mikasa was there to help), Eren had sat by his friend, comforting the crying blond.

“One day, we’re gonna get out of here, okay?” he grasped the other boy’s hand in his. “We’ll go see the ocean, okay? You and me, when we’re all grown up. We’re gonna go to the sea okay?”

“Promise?” Armin asked, smiling up at him.

“I promise.” they linked pinkies to officiate business, because to a seven-year-old a pinky promise is unbreakable.

-

“I wish I could get the hell out of here!” ten-year-old Eren Jaeger yelled, kicking dirt on the ground. His mother had died only months before, and his father was somewhere between deadbeat and abusive. “I don’t wanna live like this anymore.” he was shaking.

“We’re gonna get out of here Eren,” Armin gently wrapped an arm around his friend. “Remember? As soon as we’re adults we’re gonna get out of here. Okay?” 

Eren buried his face in his friend’s shoulder and nodded. 

“We’re going to go to the beach, remember? See the ocean. Just you and me, okay?” Armin’s shoulder was damp with salty tears. Salty like the sea. They could probably make a sea of their own, considering how much they both cried. 

They stayed like that for a while. Holding onto each other tightly, as if the other was a physical manifestation of their dream. They clung to each other like their lives depended on it, for although being only ten years old, they had experienced enough loss to fill a lifetime.

-

Armin loved Mikasa with his entire heart, he really did. 

Still, he couldn’t help but feel his throat constrict when Eren was talking to her. And when he was looking at her like she was the only person left in the world. He wanted to scream  _ but what about me? _ He wanted to cry, he thought he and Eren were supposed to matter more than anyone else. He thought they were to stand side by side until the very end.

But Eren looked at Mikasa the way Armin looked at him. And god, did that fucking hurt. His chest ached and he didn’t know why, he didn’t understand why he felt this way.

Thirteen-year-old Armin Arlert began to give up on their dream, fearing that by the time he makes it to the ocean, Eren will have left.

-

Two years later, Armin finds himself sitting around a campfire with his closest friends as they explored the rural Utah woods. He made a “hmmph” sound blowing air out of his nose as he watched Jean and Eren make a fool out of themselves trying to attract Mikasa’s attention.

Annie chuckled at this. “What, you jealous?”

**_Is_ ** _ he jealous? _

No. he couldn’t be. “No,” he watched as Eren picked her hand up gently in his, “of course not. Eren’s making a fool out of himself, I’d never trade places with him, I quite enjoy my dignity thank you.”

Annie stared at him quizzically for a moment, before laughing. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what-?” he asked, brows knit in confusion.

Annie rolled her eyes like he was the stupidest person in the world. She gently picked up his hand in her own and stared at him, mirroring the way Eren sat with Mikasa.

A sense of horror overcame him, and he knew she was right. But, but no. no. no, he wasn’t a  _ faggot. _ Right? Right? The more he thought about it the less convincing the thought became.

Sensing his panic, Annie pulled him into a hug whispering that she was sorry for bringing it up, but that she was there.

The hug was nice. Warm. but it didn’t send his heart beating a thousand miles an hour the way holding Eren’s hand under the table when he was sad did. Holy shit. Holy shit. He was a fucking fag. He felt disgustingly gross, and he wished to disappear into the ground. 

He buried his face in her shoulder, wishing to be anywhere but there, anywhere but only a few feet away from Eren. what would the brunet think if he knew his best friend was a fucking fairy?

Jesus christ, he was a gay living in Beaver, Utah. if this ever got out he could fucking  _ die.  _

He needed to get out of there the second he turned eighteen.

Oh.

Oh. 

He was most definitely going to have to leave here alone. No way in hell Eren would run away from this place with a queer. Oh god.

It truly was just his dream now. Eren didn’t have a reason to run away with him. He had a reason to stay, and that reason was the angel in human form, Mikasa.

Armin would just have to see the beach on his own and pretend his heart wasn’t breaking when he would walk along the shore. He would deal. But the thought of getting out of there alone was scary. Sad. it felt wrong. He didn’t really feel as if he would have a choice, though.

“Oooh Annie and Armin are in looove!” Jean taunted.

Armin rolled his eyes, pulling away from Annie’s embrace. “Stop acting like a four-year-old, Jean.”

Annie poked Jean in the shoulder, “I’m mad I can’t taunt him over his crush cause  _ everyone  _ knows it’s Mi-”

Jean clamped a hand over her mouth yelling, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” pause. Then, “EW SHE FUCKING LICKED ME!”

Armin shared an amused glance with Mikasa and Eren before looking back down at his lap, suddenly feeling awkward around the two (more than before) because now not only was he the third wheel, but he was the queer as well.

The dull ache in his chest finally had a name: hopelessly pining. He was already used to the hurt, enough to dismiss it and to attempt to enjoy the evening, no matter how shaken he was over the conversation with Annie.

-

Armin Arlert was sixteen years old when tragedy struck again and he lost a third family member. His grandfather passed away due to a heart attack. This left Armin without parents or grandparents, alone in his grandfather’s old two-roomed home.

It wasn’t the worst life, he supposed. Still, living alone was a challenge, as Armin would often awaken from horrible nightmares to an empty house, the traumatic memories resurfaced in his dreams still fresh and haunting in his mind.

Eren Jaeger was an angel, he decided. For when Eren found out, he offered the blond a place to stay where he wouldn’t be alone.

At the beginning, Armin would sleep on the floor, and whenever he woke up shaking and crying, Eren (who was a light enough sleeper) would sit with him until he felt better.

Over time, this dynamic changed. Eren began to hold him as he hyperventilated, no matter this town’s unwritten rule on boys showing physical affection meant they were going to hell. If Eren was going to hell but made Armin feel better along the way, then so be it.

Eventually, Armin moved to the bed with him, it was more comfortable for him, plus Eren could keep his nightmares in check easier.

No matter how stiff and awkward they were falling asleep, they would almost always wake up in each other’s arms, most of the time getting through the night without any nightmares.

Eventually, the embarrassment wore off, and they’d curl up next to each other, limbs entangled, feeling the warmth of each other, not caring if the way Armin’s heart fluttered when Eren ran his hands through his hair was sinful, because the outside was oblivious to the way they’d hold each other.

If loving Eren was a sin, he was a sinner. But he didn’t regret a second of it, not truly. 

If God was real, Armin didn’t understand how he could frown upon his actions, didn’t understand how He could hate something so precious, so perfect.

Multiple times a week now, he would find himself running through the streets as the sun set, for he was afraid of being alone. No matter how many times he spent the night, Eren would always let him in with a smile. 

This of course, proved to be awkward at times, due to the fact that Mikasa lived there as well. There had, admittedly, been an occasion where she walked into Eren’s room to wake him up in the morning and find the blond boy curled around him, his head resting on Eren’s chest.

Eren was awake, and of course they made eye contact for about ten awkward seconds before Mikasa slowly closed the door. Needless to say, breakfast that morning had been quite odd, although Armin couldn’t figure out  _ why  _ for the life of him.

Things were good. (as close to good as everything could be considering Armin was a closeted faggot in fucking Beaver, Utah).

Still, Armin was terrified of being alone and he was scared that Eren wouldn’t leave with him when they could get out.

-

Weeks turn into months, and suddenly they’re seventeen and it’s not long before Eren turns eighteen, and  _ god  _ Armin is terrified because what if Eren leaves and does so without him.

They sat together on the rooftop of Eren’s house as the sun began to rise and as peaceful as the moment seemed, Armin’s heart and mind was in turmoil, hoping and praying to god that Eren wouldn’t leave him. He couldn’t be alone like that. He just couldn’t.

He spoke, his tone was cheerful contradicting the way he felt. “So what are you going to do when you’re an adult?”

Eren looks at him like he’s stupid. “Wait for you? Idiot.” 

Oh.

Oh.

So Armin has been worrying and stressing over this for the past five years for no goddamn reason. “Oh.” he smiled. Then paused. “What about Mikasa?”

“We’ll obviously keep in touch with her, dumbass.”

“Aren’t you like… in love with her or whatever?” 

Eren made a noise like he was choking. “WHAT?”

“Dude, you’ve been pining after her for years. Annie said.”

“No! Oh my god, no. no, no she’s not my type.” Eren burst into a fit of laughter.

“Shut the fuck up!!!!!! It’s not funny!!!” Armin whined, but he was laughing to and god,  _ god  _ he felt relieved, no matter how stupid that was. 

They were laughing and holding each other, like it was the end of the world, and Eren was grasping his shoulders, and holy fuck everything felt perfect. “We’re gonna get the hell out of here. Just a few more months.” Eren said, sounding disbelieving of his own words. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, we’ve really almost made it.” Armin beamed at him, eyes glimmering brightly as if he was the sun, no as if he were light itself.

And he looked so perfect, and his voice was shaky and so relieved, and his hands gripped the back of Eren’s neck, and god, everything about him was overwhelming. So overwhelming, in fact, that Eren’s brain seemed to short circuit because their faces were only inches apart, but somehow it was still too far, so he leaned over and kissed him.

Now, the kiss barely lasted more than a second, and immediately Eren was horrified, apologizing profusely. Armin was staring at him, unable to comprehend everything that was happening. And then, his brain finally caught up to reality as Eren covered his face in his hands, embarrassed. So he pried his hands away from the brunet’s face and kissed him back.

He cupped Eren’s face in his hands, and pulled away gently. “I’ve wanted to do that for five years.”

And then they were both laughing again, but this time laughing out of relief. Maybe they would be okay. Maybe they’d survive the next few months. Maybe, just maybe, they’d make it to the ocean and feel the cold salt water for the first time, hand in hand.

**Author's Note:**

> ugh me asf when this is me projecting hella. anyway thanks for reading this shitty work <3


End file.
